Saturday, August 13, 2005

And so I sit to write.

And so again, after a long time of saying nothing to the world, I sit down to write on my blog. At times I do ask myself if there is any logic to this, any ulterior reason that justifies siting and pouring a long, convoluted and hard to read rant on electronic media (and beleive me, this entry will be a rant as well, but the ideas in my head are half baked as of this point, so I'll cook them while I write them down), back to the topic of usefullness... Well, who knows, maybe nobody will ever visit this blog, maybe I'm writting in the wrong language since my closest friends in real life have a poor handle of english, maybe someone will stumble on this, or many someones, maybe I'll inspire, or maybe I'll leave no glory behind in these bits.

But someone at google decided to gift me some bytes in a metal plate, coated with a magnetic component that has been researched and built by humans for a long time, and well, I'll use these bytes they've given me.

And just as I write, I sit and think, I'm thinking many things, in an effort to legalize our collection of music and still be able to enjoy MP3s on the go, Juan and I are buying CDs in the legal, used, at Amazon and similar by the bulk. And today we received a bunch of CDs including Moby's hotel, and reading the booklet I discover something very interesting, and that is that I agree with Moby in many points and ideas, what he exposes in his booklet has meaning to me, makes sense to my mind, and besides being thoughts that I have nurtured and fed maybe under diferent faces but with the same soul, I see I share many things with Moby, and there are boud to be a lot of other details and aspects I do NOT share with Moby.

And there are a lot of tastes and aspects that I share with my friend Ray from IRC (hey there, I plan to send you this link when I finish this. So you can enjoy to see yourself mentioned somewhere in the internet again, and taking some more bytes for communicating your existence to the world.), and there are a lot of ideas and things I do NOT share with Ray, and this repeats with every one of my friends, and with many if not all of my admired figures among the stardom in all it's forms and manners.

So what's the message here, after a long and winded rant around it? well that for most of my childhood and a good part of my adolescence (or however the fucker is spelled, no I'm not going to spellcheck it.) I felt alone, uncomprehended and weird.

One thing that I tend to do is forget things, I've forgotten I'd pressume to quantify, about %80 of my childhood memories... Only a few remain to me, hidden under the rubble that is my conscious mind, and these I recover from time to time, not necesarily when I search for them in an act of self volition, but in a semi random manner when theyr indexes are triggered by a similar memory that links to it. One of the memories that I have just temporarily recovered, and that I will loose again until in a fit of boredom and forgetting ONCE AGAIN to read "the joy of tech" in my idle moments, I come back here trodding these hallways of memory, and reading this (if I get down this far) I'll remember this memory again, and the memory is, ladies and gentlemen, that I spent a long time in my childhood, as far back as I have a recollection of rational tought, trying to piece, to explain to myself why as a rational being I was unable to share feelings, toughts, emotions, and basically why I lacked a mental conection with other human beings. In these times I felt a lot of despair, I tought I'd never be comprehended or understood in full or even in part, and I basically felt like I was surrounded inexorably, and unbearably by an invisible barrier, a wall that separated me from the rest of humanity.. And I wondered if anyone else experienced what I did, if anybody else felt similarily shrouded, secluded, left behind... Uncommunicated...

And these days, having forgoten this very important column of my being, this that once took so much of my awarenes, that drove me so powerfully emotionally and rationally, I look back to my week, to my month, and I notice that more and more I've been having an increasingly recurring event of finding myself not so unique anymore, not so shrouded or separated, but that there is actually a glimmer of hope that some people if not understand me completely, at least understand some notion or idea behind me, or some part of my mind is shared with them, in a close enough manner that I feel at long last, that I am not alone.

Now I only need to sit down one day, and repeat this to myself, until not only I beleive it, but until I internalize it, and it becomes a common feeling more than tought, something that accompanies me daily, at every moment....

Afterall, remembering at long last the long anguished moments in my childhood I spent so earnestly hurting about the idea of being alone forever, trapped in my mind not being able to connect with anybody else and share it.... I can tell you, being alone sucks.

And not being alone is great.

My only problem, is that once again I take this too far. I read Natasha's wonderfull expressions of everyday life (See her comics here), and more than sharing the feelings and feeling wonderfull for sharing so much with her daily life and ideas, I feel desesperate to open my mind, and to somehow let her feel, know how much I appreciate not being alone, once again I wish I'd be living in some form of unified Ghestalt society, so much like Asimov's idea of Gaia, as exposed in the dying spasms of his Foundation saga.......

At leats I have my pup, Juan, whom I feel I do share a mind with, whom I closer to than anybody else on this world and who is my cane in moments of difficulty, and whose cane I sometimes expect to be and be able to help...

I'll keep trying to find a balance between sharing everything, and just paying company... afterall, trying to open your mind completely to someone is in a form, selfish, since your toughts get precedence over that person's, and more than an interaction between humans, you get one trying to impose his whole mind on the other....

Well this rant has gone long enough, and has begun to twist in the corners and get confusing and abstract, until my next time, be well, and, might you find your own happyness as well.

1 comment:

Sir Barton said...

Yeah, I once felt like you when I was a kid. I felt I was a genius, I felt I was God and that all you mere mortals should bow and obey my domains or face the consequences of my wrath. Talk about feeling uncomprehended when dorks are all around you at any age. I got over it, that's why I'm so fucked up in the head, ha ha ha!

I'm kidding dude! Just messing you up, though I still feel a bit like a God sometimes. It's hard to be a genius, hard.

Barton & Hobbes